Rise After Every Fall

There are two important phases in one’s life – Stepping into a Family and making a Career. For most men it happens one after the other; they start making a career and then step into a family. For some women, it begins together. Yes, it’s a challenge imposed for women. But doing it both gives you a good learning of what is life about and it indeed makes you stronger.

The little girl who was pampered until now is all set to this new challenge. She was the apple of the eye to her family. Yes it’s me. First few challenges started when I found everything different in the family I was stepping into. Transparent talks, straight forwardness was something which I was used to. The tradition and culture was different here. They were not used to talk openly with parents. Whenever relatives arrived, not asking “Welcome; Hope you are fine; How was your journey;” was treated to be rude and it’s not so with me as my Welcome was only a smile to strangers. Obviously the new family’s relatives were strangers to me the first time. Mother-in-law and her sister together told me “Your sister is rude and don’t be like her”. My sister was everything to me until now for 21 years and how could I listen to someone criticize my beloved sister? I could do nothing but cry. “Just because my sister doesn’t say welcome or talk more is arrogance? If so let it be and let me keep admiring my sister as always” I decided.

Husband’s relatives and friends making fun of him is fine but not over a certain extent. Obviously any woman would feel it bad that her husband is belittled. I felt bad as I never saw anyone speaking sarcastically in the past. I moved on unable to give it back as I was new to the family and they’d definitely brand me with so called “Arrogance”. While this was all happening, on the other hand I had to quit my job due to relocation. It was just 1 month of wedding and in a function, my mother in law says “This lady is not working anymore but just sitting at home”.  I was outraged, broken and upset. The spark in me was creating more fumes that I was in my heels job hunting. There I got an even better job than the one I was doing earlier. Thanks to her words 😉 The mouth that spoke ill of me did not say even a good word now. But of course found other chances to pull me down.

The great day arrived when I knew I was going to be a mother. Our joy knew no bounds. But I was also worried that I was new to the company. Of course, my husband was very supportive and rendered all the help to me too. I continued my work with all challenges during my pregnancy. I was as well doing my tasks at home without any elders too. Moving out of the meeting rooms while I felt to puke was common. I worked even until the day before I was due. There I delivered my sweet little Angel. The first girl child of the family; but still those who had to complain, complained that it was a girl. My Mother-in-law said many times “Thaatha doesn’t like baby girls”. Every time I heard that, I felt outraged. That was the first time I asked “Doesn’t thaatha like baby girls or is it you? If anyone doesn’t like baby girls, they need not lift my child”. This time my mother-in-law was shocked at my answer. I decided “Let them call me arrogant. It’s ok. Let me speak for myself”. I started rising for myself for the first time.

My mom raised my daughter for 2.5 years without any complains. Of course, being a young mother, I felt sad and upset to leave behind my daughter and live elsewhere. There were even friends whom I considered very close remarking “You have no worries. You just delivered and gave the baby to mom, You didn’t have any responsibility”. I learnt lessons that not everyone you consider close chooses you to be their dear friend. If so, would they utter such words to you? Won’t they understand how much it hurts? There were many times when my in-laws also said “Your mother had put diapers for the kid and so only she walks differently until now”, “Your mother hadn’t given this food and so she is weak” etc. Every time this would prick me but I’d keep quiet.

Working from home was a bliss given by the company to me when my daughter was in pre-school. I was able to manage my home and work well but with some difficulties. Management not happy with whatever you do is not something new and I faced it too. My team was the best team to work with and they were friendly too. I earned some gems for life, my friends at work whom I’d cherish for my lifetime. Of course there were days when we had to run behind releases, with very little time for my daughter. There were days when my daughter would come unto me and say “Amma, the moon is seen from the balcony. Is your work over?” The best part is she would understand me very well and will come unto me with so much love and care. She has even remarked to her dad “Appa, amma is tired of working. Can you get her something to eat”. There were critics on this too that I was not giving time for my daughter, I am cruel etc. But no one knew the time I enjoy with her after my work hours. I was definitely not failing being a mother anytime. I knew I was adamant in not leaving my career but at the same time I am adamant in not leaving my personal life too.

People who know me well know who I am. I am an extremely friendly person and very sensitive and emotional too. Above all I am a person who can compromise anything but not my self-respect. Not even to my parents or family. I cannot digest people talking differently in my presence and absence and it has happened too. I’d rather prefer a straight forward talk. If I sense someone is avoiding me, I’d rather stay separate from them rather than losing my dignity. If that’s called ego, I am fine with it. On the other hand, if I have love and concern over someone, I will never hurt them.

It too happened and I was left uninvited for some of the important happenings. I even sensed, some did not like my presence in their occasions and maybe that’s why they leave me uninvited every time. My husband was the person who did not want to confront anyone despite knowing what was wrong. It was for the love I had on him that I gave up my self-respect to go uninvited. I even knew that there were talks that why do I need to come. Despite all that, it was just for this man I stepped into a place I didn’t want to. I was badly broken down.

My mind yells at me “Do you want to lose yourself to some family who do not value your relationship?” My feet tremble to step into a place uninvited. My eyes burn to face the people who sarcastically look at me saying “I don’t have to come down to you. You are just a dog who needs to wag your tail at us. My son will make sure you come here uninvited to show the society that I over rule you and him”. But my heart says “Sorry.. That’s not anymore. I came in just for the face of my man who would feel broken, had I not accepted to come in. He is the most lovable man in this family. I pity this man who falls for everyone in this family but no one values him or his relationship. He trusts me better than you and that’s why he is able to convince me and not you. He knows you’d not move a step to compromise yourself to make this relationship better. He knows he had to remind you three times to even call me. That’s the reason behind his silence”. I laughed unto myself.

No one’s pregnancy can remain a secret. I have been a mother too. No one is going to come home directly on a fine day without fixing an auspicious date or time for a function. No one’s phone is going to run out of charge just when they are about to share the good news of the new born to you; even if so, not all the phones in a house at the same time. No one is going to forget just to say a word “Welcome” when it was the family’s tradition and rule for others. It is all just a matter of how much you value a relationship. If one has the closeness to the heart, there is no barrier for communication. It’s just willingness and happiness to share with near and dear ones. I understand where I am in this place. And understand thousand stupid reasons can be given but the truth is one.

Until now it may have been unknown. But now I have broken the silence in my mouth and echoes in my heart.

My professional life has taught me that “No opportunity will come our way. We need to create them for ourselves”. I strongly follow that. There are ups and downs in my professional life too. Of course there are critics waiting to push you down in every profession. I have heard people saying “She is never at desk and runs here and there for meetings, discussions and so on. She just wants to show off she’s busy to get appreciation”. I don’t respond to those sarcastic comments. Rather I laugh and tell myself “It’s not about getting an appreciation but my passion towards even the smallest thing I do. I want to keep myself satisfied”. It’s as simple as that. There were instances when people celebrated my down time building a small spark into a big fire. It created negative impressions around me and negative talks too. Had it been eight years back, I’d have just been sitting in a corner weeping. These eight years of personal and professional life has given me a lot of experiences and lessons in life.

If I go to work, people call me “Selfish and not caring for family”; If I don’t they are going to brand me “She wasted her education”;

When I go to work, an aunt would say “My daughter works for a better company”. Another uncle asks “Didn’t you get a job abroad? My son works abroad!”. Another friend would say “My husband doesn’t want me to work and leave away my kids. He says money is not important”. Another neighbor says “How could you leave your kid to the maid and go to work?”. Am I here to live my life my way or their way? Working women already face enough everyday and we leave our kids with the maid or day care out of no support. We are not happy leaving them and working. There maybe N reasons behind us. If you cannot support us, just be calm. Do not hurt us by asking these questions or throwing sarcastic comments.

In office too, a colleague would say “She pretends to do multiple tasks”, another one “These are stupid tasks and waste of time. Why is she doing this?”, and another one “It was a simplest task and I could’ve done it in just a week but she took a month”. If you don’t do anything, you’re branded as “lazy, dumb, weak”. If you do things proactively, you’re branded as “show off”. And of course, if you receive an appreciation, very less people would really appreciate but there are many voices that will only say “She just got this because of favoritism”.

Enough of these society voices in our heads! They are not going to render you any support to make you feel better but will only want to put you down.

This is definitely a harsh reality. We undergo ups and downs in life. Being nice to everyone is not going to benefit you. You need to understand this harsh world and the two faced people. Never feel down because of the people around you. The simple reason why people pull you down is because you’re far ahead from others. So feel happy when someone puts you down. You are living your life and not theirs. Do not lose your self-respect to anyone. Had I heard the criticism and stayed back without my work, I would have been a dependent until now.

Struggling and winning is what makes life exciting. I can raise my head high saying that we built our life from scratch. I prefer being a thirsty crow, flying on the sunny days, taking twigs to build my nest and not a cuckoo living on another nest. I prefer being a pauper than living on ancestral riches. I am happy that I am still a good cook at my home. I am happy that I take care of the little things for my family. Sometimes this life looks mechanical but I am happy that I am a machine for my own family. This machine will keep running throughout its life than rusting.

This is just my life. There may be different views and opinions from many of you. I am not confronting others who live a different way. The simple thought here is “Live your life; Live your dreams; Try not to criticize other’s dreams”.

Here I am standing at a point crossing all these in life. The day I stepped out from being a pampered daughter until now has taught me the pain of life. I understood that the only medicine is me and my self-confidence and nothing else. I know there are many more thorns that will come my way. My mind tells me “Keep running and keep rising after every fall”.