Fall in love

“Subha, are you busy? Do you have time for a short coffee break?” asked my colleague. Seeing her teary eye, I asked her “Hey Shruti, what’s wrong?” and went along to the pantry. “My husband and I had a fight. I feel he no longer loves me. Do I need to live anymore?” she burst into tears. Shruti and Sridhar were lovely couple and I knew them for over a decade. They were college mates and joined work together. They got married before 5 years and have a little daughter. Shruti was a cheerful lady who always wore a bright smile. But since a year I noticed that she gets upset and depressed frequently. After a short soothing talk we went back to our seats.

Few days later at night, while I was retiring to bed, I saw few messages from my school friend Akshaya. She had written that she was frustrated about life and her relationship. Seeing my reply, she asked me if she could call me at that time. I said yes and then we spoke for nearly an hour. She then said “Hey, thank you for your time dear. I feel better after talking to you. Good night”.

I lost my usual sleep time and my brain was repeating the conversation with Shruti and Akshaya. “What was wrong in their lives that makes them depressed so much? Why did they both tell me that they felt better after talking to me?” I asked myself. Their situations are no different from many of the women today. I often hear such words from different people whom I know. In fact I myself have been in such situations too in the past.

Some of my friends tell me, “My husband used to text me almost every hour when we were in love. He’d care for me for every little thing and now not. After years of wedding, I see he no longer cares for me.” We see that this has become universal problem these days.

What is that people expect in a relationship? Why do we see the same person exhibiting extreme happiness in one phase and extreme sadness in the other phase of life?

The problem is men set too much expectations in the beginning and later when it becomes a practical life, it gets impossible to keep it up. Likewise women who have seen the fantasy period, want to live in the same fantasy world! Mistake is definitely from both the sides. If you have sent her midnight flowers on her birthday in year 1, then a gift in year 2 and then a message in year 3 she considers it to be a deteriorating love. However if you always had the practice of meeting her on her birthday and going on a dinner, this never becomes a fantasy. On the other hand, couple who felt birthday as just another day and simply spoke to each other lovingly have a long lasting relationship and no doubts on their love. They live their life practically.

My aunt expired few days back and I heard my uncle say “I do not know how to live without her”. They were from a village, not educated, never used social media, never gifted each other nor texted each other. By doing none of those that we expect, they still lived happily together. What was that which held their relationship over 40 years? They knew to live in reality. Cooking fondly for him must have been her love language. Taking care of the family responsibly must have been his love language.

Why do people spend more time on Facebook? People feel special when appreciated. I have seen some people even counting on the number of comments and likes!! Is this what we are living for? We are living in a world where we are depending too much on others for our happiness. Does our happiness lie in only getting pampered and being liked? Are we not here to live our lives? 

If we want to be pampered, why don’t we pamper ourselves? Why don’t we ask ourselves if we had proper food and sleep? Why don’t we tell ourselves “I love me”? Why don’t we greet ourselves “Good morning? This is going to be a great day for me”? Be the ear that listens to your mind. Be your friend who soothes you in your hard times. 

Is it your birthday? Do you want to feel special? Why don’t you do what you like and treat yourself? Is it necessary to update every moment in social media and get acknowledged by the society? Didn’t your man gift you on your birthday? Why don’t you gift him saying “I wanted to gift you on my special day”? Instead of having a fight or upsetting your mind with an argument on your day, this little change will make you feel good.

Didn’t you get a phone call from your man at the expected time?

Imagine you do nothing in this one hour but only think “Why doesn’t he call me? He has no love towards me. He has betrayed me. I hate him” If it’s just one hour thinking of why he had not called you on time, it is going to be the next eight hours crying and 2 days fighting. Isn’t that too much stressful?

Instead of going mad, why don’t you tell yourself “Maybe he is busy at work? Poor guy, he has too much work pressure these days”. The next time he calls, instead of picking up a fight maybe you could ask “Was it a long day at work?” and talk casually. In fact this would save hours and days of fight and depression. 

You could even think “He has not called me. I can use this one hour for finishing a chapter of my favorite book!” By doing so, your mind would be pleased doing what you wanted rather than brooding the entire day thinking why he had not called you. 

Even in the worst case, if you feel your spouse doesn’t love you anymore, you can still love yourself! You could still enjoy your life doing little things you like. You could still feel blessed! Life need not always be a fairy tale but you can still live happily ever after 🙂

Fall in love but don’t fall into fantasy; for if you do so, you will only fall a prey to depression. Do not give your life to others. Fall in love with yourself. Enjoy every moment in life!