The woman in me

“Hey Subha, I wonder how you are always smiling. You seem to be blessed. You are a carefree person who never gets stressed” told a colleague. “Happiness is our choice!” answered I. “I disagree. You have got the opportunities, you have a smooth life, you are never hit like me. You wouldn’t know my situation. That’s why you tell this!” she countered. I didn’t want to explain further. I continued my regular day at work forgetting this little conversation. My long journey back home is always my best companion. My mind rewound to the conversation with my colleague this morning. This is not the first time I have heard this. I have heard this from different people at least 100 times or even more. “Well, that’s a compliment!” I smiled. But I’d still say “Happiness is your choice!”

1995 – The days when only landline phones were in India. “I want to talk to mom” I cried. I was in class 4 then. My mom was sick with Jaundice and in quite a critical state. She was in my grandmother’s home recovering slowly. “We do not have STD connection dear. OK, let me teach you to book a trunk call. You could call to the trunk dialing service 180 and say I want to get connected to Virudhunagar to the number 4076. The STD code is 04562.” Later that evening I recalled every word my dad told and called my mom. It then became my usual task and I never asked my dad but called my mom almost once in two days. “Subha does the trunk call herself” I remember my grandfather wondered!

“This is a deposit slip. You need to fill it this way and pay the amount at the counter” my dad instructed. Many a times I had done this. I was probably in my sixth std then. Sometimes mom had told dad that he was giving me tasks that were more for my age. He always proudly said “She will and can do it!” “My dad is my superhero. He believes I can and I will do it and I should always remember this even if I finish 12th std!” I told myself.

Being the youngest daughter of the family, I was also the most pampered daughter at home. My siblings would always envy me. As my life was going on smooth, I also had dark days in my life when I was sick and recovering. That was my first fall. I was an introvert then. I was very depressed and wouldn’t talk to anyone. However something prompted me that I need to come out of this phase and live my life. My grandmother often reminded me “Our life and our happiness is in our hands. We are the ones who need to decide how we want to live!” This was my motivation always.

2007 October – the apple of the eye for her dad was getting married. In our society getting married at 21 was usual. I never knew about any responsibilities until then. Although my dad tasked me with outside activities now and then, I knew nothing on finance. I knew nothing on how a working married life would be. I was a fresher and joined work just few months back. Little did I know about career, life, husband, wife’s duties, pregnancy, children, or next stages of life. But not knowing was also a blessing in disguise. I did not imagine too much but was facing the reality as it came. No one taught me to manage finance at home but I started doing that. I saw this as an opportunity to learn and experience.

For the first time I was hearing criticism from my extended family. I was broken. Thousand questions came into my mind “How can they make such statements! Isn’t it unfair to comment like this?” I was agitated. I could not forget any of the words. This went on and on and I was disturbed. I did not like the gloomy me. I did not like my unhappiness. I decided to move on. My first big step, I told myself. Forget all those who give you insults in life!

My husband and I were always working in parallel shifts and the moment I was back home he’d go to office and vice versa. I was upset quite often that we didn’t have enough time for ourselves. A battle within my mind. “What a life is this?” I asked myself quite often. “Is there any other option? If no, is there any use worrying about it? Do you want to stay in this mental agony?” my other mind questioned. Let me move on. My second big step, I told myself. Stop worrying for those that aren’t in your control! Live the moment!

Happy moments again – I am going to be a mom! I jumped in excitement. Little did I realize more responsibilities are coming my way. Morning sickness, vomiting at least 7 times a day, still continued my regular chores at home, cooking and left to work. I still remember the days when I used to feel nauseous during a meeting and excuse myself. Later I’d join back the meeting and continue my work. I even worked until the day I was due. How did I do all this? I was just 23 but still managed. My third big step, I told myself. Nothing is impossible in life. Take life as it comes. 

Working life with a toddler. I had to make a hard decision. I decided not to take a break in my career. I left my 6 months old daughter to my parents in Chennai and worked. My parents were very supportive. I was badly criticized by people around me. This included some of my good friends too. For two years until she was back with me, I traveled every weekend from Bangalore to Chennai. I would take a train on a Friday night and then spend two days there and return back on Sunday night. Monday morning dawned in Bangalore with a pile of house chores and office tasks. I could hardly remember a weekend in Bangalore during those 2 years. Traveling was not tiring. I traveled for my tiny little love and for not giving up my career! My fourth big step, I told myself. “Decide for yourself. Once decided, do not get influenced by others. You know what is good for you!”

Choosing a school. Of course, I analyzed and checked for good schools for my little one. Little did I fuss on curriculum, this and that. I remember my mom never making a fuss with our studies. I’d like to be a mother as her. My fifth big step. I would not enforce what I want on my daughter. She needs to understand what she wants. She needs to enjoy traversing her path of life! I told myself.

Waking up early, preparing breakfast and lunch, getting my little one ready to school and finally there I leave to work! At times I asked myself “What a mechanical life is this!” My mind reminds me “This is what you have chosen!” My sixth big step. “Never regret for what you have chosen. You can still make or change your own choices!” Well, this is something I have been liking probably, and that’s the reason I don’t want to change it. So I would not crib anymore!!

“Work is quite less. Let me find out other areas to work” I told myself. “But remember once you have more, you cannot turn back” alerted my mind. I started creating my own path. I knew the path I’m creating for myself is going to be tough. However I seem to enjoy this! I picked few additional projects. The day when I said there was less work never returned. I had much enough work to do. I started loving my job! 11 hours at work didn’t seem longer to me! After I started doing that, I hardly had spare time for myself or my family. The moment I start thinking about this, I’d remember my sixth step. “Never regret for what you have chosen!” I get relaxed. Some criticized I was not paying enough attention to my family, some questioned on how I was taking up travel assignments, some even countered “I was getting things easily!” I smiled and moved on. My seventh big step. “Nothing is free in this world! Everything comes with a heavy price!” 

Writing had always been my passion and I never want to give it up. But how do I find time to do this? I asked myself. “Well, time is willingness” I answered. Let me keep a challenge for myself. The day when I am extremely tired and stressed at work would be the day when I’d write a post. I’d follow the one shot writing and complete my post no matter what comes my way. Midnight? Doesn’t matter! Sleepy? Doesn’t matter! Tired? Doesn’t matter! This would be my ritual. My eighth big step. “Keep up your passion. Do what you love no matter how!” 

My company welcomes personal blogs for the department magazine. I even published few of my posts there. “Whom is she writing for? Is this beneficial? Who wants to know what her dogs eat?” questioned someone. “She gets visible just by writing” said other. “She is taking all the opportunities” told yet another! Hearing all this, I just pretended to be deaf and move on. Little did they know that I wasn’t spending office hours to do this. Little did they know that I had a challenge unto myself and was often writing at midnight. “How can they comment without knowing the reality?” my mind voice said. “You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone! Create your own world and do what you like to do!” My ninth big step. “I am here to live my life my way! It’s my choice!”

I love to make short vacations. I choose spending some time and money on road trips with my family. I don’t regret that my money is spent. “She is going on vacations frequently!” people say. Well, I love it and I feel energized. My tenth big step “Do what you love!”  

There is no hard and fast rule in life. There is not anything that is fully right or fully wrong. I chose my career and my interests. Of course, I pay a heavy price starting my day at 5 am and ending it at 11 pm, missing some family functions at times, missing my birthday or anniversary with my family sometimes too. But I am happy being me. I chose my path and this is absolutely fine to me. There could be someone else who chose giving up career or taking a break. That’s absolutely fine too as long as she is happy about it.

There could be only two sides to a coin. There could be only two answers to all confusing questions in life. Yes or No! There is not a “Maybe” in life. Either work hard, create your opportunities, definitely with a big price and stay focused or choose a relaxing work, tell yourself, “I need a short break now” and be happy. People who are either in one of these categories are generally happy. It is the people who are in between who want to have a relaxing work but still crib of not having an opportunity who would always be unsatisfied and unhappy in life.

Ask yourself, “Do I like the gloomy me? Do I like the unhappy situation around me? Am I living my life?” You will know the answer. A strong woman arises through tough experiences. I am happy to see the little pampered daughter becoming a strong woman little by little. I see the strong woman coming out after taking up all hurdles positively. I see the strong woman starting her tough path. I know this is definitely a road not taken and this is just the beginning!

This is definitely not great. This is just a note to say “Stop worrying and start living – with a smile always!” 

My steps in the tough path I have lived so far is molding me. I’m glad and hopeful that I would become a complete strong woman in future!