4:50 am – Turning off the unused alarm that was set for 5 am I wake up. Splashing a handful of cold water to make myself fresh, I start the day with a smile. Cutting the veggies, cooking the dhal for sambar, my rice cooker gets heated up. A plate of idlies for my toddler and the hot pan solidifying the batter into dosa for my daughter. My Kandha Shashti kavasam just gets over and I chant kurai ondrum illai to notice its 6 am. “Harshu, wake up” I move to the terrace with my Zooie and Cherry barking for a walk.
Harshu, my darling gets ready by herself with almost no troubles for me. “Pranavvvvv, are you going to school or office! Why do you wake up” I smile at my cackling toddler. He fondly asks me to lift him. There I am holding him on one hand and twisting my other hand to make another dosa. He gets busy watching me cook and learning some tricks maybe for his future!
“My print out; my paper” that’s her sound and finally losing my patience I yell “can you not arrange these last night! Why can’t you be perfect?” “Take this and the lunch box” I continue. “Bye amma” she waves.
Handling my toddler who doesn’t cooperate to sleep again is like a warfare! Battling for sometime, I finally give him the bottle and there I get ready. Thousand thoughts wandering around, I take my bike. “Appa, I will come early today” and “let’s see” it was my dad with sarcasm.
The next ten hours just flies overloaded with topics. I’m glad to have quite a number of tasks which are also a good mix of my passionate tasks and the regular tasks. Motivation talks over coffee, questioning myself if I’m also over expecting from my team – I see the long term goal and move with a smile.
“I love my job; I love my workplace; I love my people” – these were the reasons for my intrinsic energy, positivity and happiness. “I’m talking about depression” when I often said, my ex boss exclaimed “you are a store house of energy and positivity. How would you address depression”. This was not the first comment I received but many!
After a long day at work, I never felt tired as I know the days when I questioned myself “Will I be able to complete my studies? Will I be able to work? Will I live again?” The untold miseries lie within myself as a long story too.
“I will go home early” and those who know me laugh. “Isn’t it enough of work. Can you not be satisfied?” – it was my dad. “Can you focus on kids? Can we take them with us?” – it was my mom. However they are the pillars in my life because of whom I’m what I am today. “Pranavvvv” as I enter my home, he is glad I’m back and smiles. How many times have I yearned that he runs to me and jumps like other toddlers. It was not his mistake, probably mine. He hardly saw me for hours and my expectation that he jumps isn’t right! It’s an untold feeling of a mom!
“Dear Subha, can you please let us know if you can be a chief guest and speaker in our reading week” – this was an honour I received. I had to politely decline although my adrenaline was high just because I had a commitment at work. My passionate writing brought me not to heights but just made me glad!
“I committed and so I need to travel” – no one would’ve forced had I declined. But I still did just for the words I gave – yes, an assignment with six months baby in my womb. I was happy and reassured when I saw him in the big screens during my business trip.
Hopes for the bright days ahead; hopes to make a big career sometime; hopes to live my passion! Guilt of a working mother; Guilt of not a good daughter; Guilt of not an active partner – yet I smile!
Questions of what I’ve made; questions of what I’ve achieved; questions of where I’m going – no answers had I!
Sometimes it’s just the frustration of searching for my WHY! Sometimes it’s just the feeling of being lost! Sometimes it’s just the blankness of my mind.
I smile with a heavy heart and tears roll down my cheeks. It’s a mixed emotion of having won and lost! It’s a mixed emotion of having lived and died! It’s a mixed emotion of having smiled and cried!
“Wake up! Come what may! Move with a smile” – it’s my inner conscience!
The days of treatment, hospitalisation and dark phases of my 15-20 made me a different person. My goal was to work and make a career which I did not believe would happen back then. That’s my inner motivation that makes me smile! Despite all the challenges and rough seas. Despite the guilt of a woman inside me! Despite the times I felt I haven’t achieved my target yet.
My toddler takes his chair, puts in on the sofa and climbs. He couldn’t reach his target and makes grinning sounds. He gets down and moves it further – each time he finds another way. Finally there he is, reaching his target and cackling his success. “Amma.. amma.. amma.. ” I get emotional to see him teaching me!
My battle still continues but I will move on further with the lessons learnt from my son!