Accept yourself

“Hello Subha, your blogs are positive and helpful. However I see that you probably look at the bright side as you have just seen good things in life. Maybe depression and anxiety is something you never came across” started the email. The lady had poured out all emotions to explain what she is currently undergoing. Finally it ended with “Why is it always me? The whole world smiles and I have no one”.

I shut down my phone screen and closed my eyes for sometime. Like a photo reel, my mind played every little incident. The dark days, depression, anxiety, tears, fear, feeling lost and so on. Almost a decade since those dark days in my life. However I wouldn’t say I’m completely out of it. It’s just stepping over it accepting reality of life.

Too much emotions and getting attached to people and situations was something that caused me to live an anxious life always. I was constantly worried about losing my best people. This resulted me in reassuring myself and my situation every now and then. In fact this was not helping me by any way but rather made me at my worse. The feeling of rejection, loneliness struck me too. The constant explanation about situations to people made me still lose my best people and sometimes my self respect too. Not many in the world has time for anxious and depressed people. You may only be treated as laughing stocks or sometimes pitied but that’s not getting any solution!

Another major drawback that I had and still have to work on is a strong sense of bonding – to the topics I work. I get over obsessed with it that I just cannot get over a separation on topics that easily. This eventually drains me too. I get obsessed of my career and the future ahead that makes me feel lost and anxious too.

Having said that, how did I attempt to overcome my challenges? By doing mind maps. The day thats bothering me, I create a mind map to ask myself what I’m going through. I write down my feelings, causes, what do I need, what will happen if I don’t get what I need, the trait of mine that has put me into this state and how to get over it. Once I finish my mind map, I’m able to reflect my own flaws and take corrective actions. It’s simple said than lived. But my quote that I have instilled in my mind – “my problem, my solution” makes me move towards it.

Doing this constantly with a feeling of satisfaction that I have moved an inch forward gives me happiness. It’s not for the world that I need to prove I’m good but for myself to keep me positive and happy.

After doing this over and over again, I started accepting myself with my flaws. Since I now know my own flaws and the corrective actions that I need to perform, I don’t wait for the troublesome situation to happen but I just proactively prevent myself getting into that mode. Sometimes I get mocked by comments such as “you have lost your emotional side” by my friends and family too. However I smile within myself that it’s just a way to get over my flaws.

Recently I was disappointed about the way my career was moving. It was a mismatch of expectations. I grew anxious about the future and I only saw my career and job in my dreams. I was constantly battling with my inner self.

On a parallel stream, a close friend of mine had just stopped communicating and I felt lost. For almost a month I couldn’t get over it. I was trying to understand my friend and his change. I was questioning myself if I was the reason for this change and did I hurt him in any way! Probably I spoke too much on my anxiety of career which he is not responsible of anyways! Or he is stuck with something else personally that he couldn’t explain to me.

I was over obsessed and constantly thought about both the situations and what did I earn? Migraines, cloudy thoughts and forgetfulness.

Later did I realise that the solution is just in my hands. Regarding my career, I cannot change the current situation but can definitely do my best. “Work hard, do your best and move on” my mind whispered. “You don’t have to simply hate people or situation and bother yourself.” Even if things don’t move in the right direction, you can sense a feeling a fulfilment that you have done the best you know!

Regarding losing people, it could also be that I had unknowingly passed on my anxiety to my friend that he felt stressed and decided to move. There is nothing wrong in this. Working on my anxiety is my responsibility and I shouldn’t pass on my stress to him which would just result in losing good people. Depression and anxiety are hard to explain, especially in a society where it’s taken to be a taboo.

Finally, I can still cherish the moments as good friends and thankful to him for being a great moral support when I needed and wish him the best always.

I realised that I was deviating from my positive smile towards greyness and immediately pulled my steering back to pace. Since I accept myself with my flaws, I can perform corrective actions on myself. I wrote down solutions for myself and learnt to get over with bothering situations.

Sometimes it’s ok not to be ok but we should learn to get over it and move on and not constantly indulge ourselves into unhappy thoughts or situations. Talking about what pains and hurts once is ok but not regularly to get deep into it. What we need to remind ourselves is how to treat the pain and get over it to bring back our smiles and hopes!

I look around to see the plants that grow even in the little space they get, amidst the rain and the wind. I look around to see the stray dog that finds its own shelter and food. I look around to see my little toddler bumping on the wall and testing his threshold of pain. While the whole world is pushing into its own rotation and revolution, why can’t we, the so-called sixth sense being?

Accept yourself and work on your own challenges. Do not ask “why only me” but just ask “how is it still me? What should I do to get over it?”

Act cautiously – be your own mentor, reflect and take steps – the world is yours!