Anxious yet determined

“Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo” – he giggled and cackled. “Maybe one more time before I put him to sleep”, I told myself but I did this over and over again wanting to see his broad smile! 1 am, the clock reminded and I saw my sleeping daughter next to me. “What should I prepare for lunch to school for her?” I asked myself. With only five hours to sleep, I put my son on his cradle and I went to sleep.

Finishing my cooking, I left Harshu’s breakfast on the table to see her coming out of the room dressed in her uniform. Eight years difference between my two kids. I am now starting the second journey of motherhood with an infant after many years! Happy to see my girl doing things on her own. After sending her to school, feeding him, playing with him, and making him sleep, I sat down pondering!

For more than a weeks time, something was running into my mind. Just a few more days until my maternity leave gets over. The routine of eleven years had changed drastically over the last six months. Official meetings were replaced by meeting neighbours and relatives, coffee break with colleagues replaced by coffee with my magazine, lead goals by personal choices, News on office TV by movies at home and much more. But still reading my office mails everyday never made me feel I was distant from my work. Also being in touch with my colleagues made me fresh.

With only two more days left to join work, I could feel a gush of cold blood flowing. I could feel butterflies within my stomach, as they say! My hands trembled and my mind wandered. Mixed emotions were flowing within me. I was awakened by a tear drop rolling down my cheek whereas my lip smiled! Contradictory?? So did I feel!

I never had issues with working anytime. I love my work and even if not, I make sure I will eventually fall in love with it. I want to always give my best at work. I do not want to use excuses or use my situation to my advantage. What was this nervousness stepping into me for the first time after many years? I penetrated deep into my thoughts.

The continuous battle of thoughts within me! Many questions on my head! “Are working women bad mothers? Do we care less? Can we be good Mothers only if we give up our career? Can I not work the same way I used to work before?”

Not only within us but from our peers, neighbours, and relatives. “Oh, he’s small and you’re going to work? Are you staying back at work with a small kid? Do you put a small kid to a nanny? How would you put the baby to a day care? Why do you work?” still many more.

This is the guilt that gets instilled by the society in our heads. Answer is within us. It’s ok taking a career break or to continue. It’s ok to do your best and work hard or slow down. It’s ok to fight your life and take up new situations as new challenges. Whatever path you select has to be your choice and never regret. What we choose may work for us and not for all.

“She just returned from maternity break and will be slower. She will not take up things seriously from now on. Let’s not task her with important projects” these are the prejudices that will be set on us. Don’t just cry or worry over them but break them at once! Voice out your opinion! Whatever it may be.

Many of us carry all emotions and still work not for fun but definitely for our career and passion!

The anxiousness within us is already more but remember our determination must win over our anxiety. While the society still asked me the same questions when my daughter was an infant, I still continued with the support from my parents and my husband and there I see a lovely, independent, well mannered and loving girl in front of me. So would I see my little man in future!

My little man rolled over and over and did his push ups again and again inspite of me switching him back to his original position. He is determined and achieves his desires although I stop him everytime. He reminds me to proceed with determination suppressing my anxiety!

He smiled at me. “You can and you will! Be determined!”