Blue is just another color

December 3, 2018 – “Right or Left? Front or Rear?” I was confused. Finally found the parking lot. As I moved, a new fragrance of the floor invited but disturbed me. Not the one I was accustomed to for the last few years. It was a department change for me. I transferred to a new building which was about 1km from my previous office.

“Abhishek” – the name board read and I took a seat. Abhishek was my colleague who already wrote detailed instructions to me on whom to meet, where to sit, access permissions to the building, HR formalities and much more although he was in Germany – a virtual welcome! Everyone looked new to me and little did I realize I am new to them 🙂 Almost two hours of silence which was very unusual to a person like me! “Hello, I am Subha, new member for X project” I broke the silence to the person sitting opposite to me. “I am Sajayan, working for Y project” he smiled. We made light conversations and I didn’t want to disturb him further.

He was engrossed into his monitor and having a question, I was not sure how to call him as I forgot his name by now. “Sanjay? Was it? – no Sanjeev; Sajan; Sanchit!” hmm “excuse-me is a better name – maybe!” I called him. Abhishek had already written to a person named “Amol” to give me a gist of a project and I was waiting for him. I saw few people calling out “Amol” and he was busy. As I looked up the profile on intranet, I saw a different face. The person whom people were referring as “Amol” looked different. After an hour, I saw the person I was looking for entering. “hmm 2 Amols in the same team” I smiled. He got busy with his client calls and later we met for a session. He introduced me to the team and by now I was slowly summarizing people’s names in my mind.

Days moved on, weeks too. Abhishek was back to India and he helped me understand the system. As busy as a bee, people had lots to do and I had not much as I was entering into a new project. Everytime I had a question, I’d walk up to Abhishek to question him and felt very guilty to disturb him amidst his busy schedule. I got introduced to quite a number of new colleagues – Sudeep, Reyas, Vinay, Ratul, Daddi, Susan, Priya, Mani and many more. “Is this Sudeep or Reyas?” had this confusion for a couple of weeks – maybe because of their language. Everyone were busy in their world. I waited for 1 pm everyday to meet my old friend who was working in another company in the same IT park. My colleagues from previous department always walked up to me for the first two weeks for lunch or coffee. I found my chances to go to the other building to meet them too. “Subha, it’s boring without you” Satheesh remarked and I nodded mutually. I was badly missing my team.

Back home I was spending time with my family, however thoughts of workplace changes were passing by. “Amma, there is no seedling seen from the chillies we planted” it was Harshu everyday. “Harshu, it’s been just a week since you planted it and how will it be seen so soon?” I was annoyed. She looked sad. I hugged her and said “in a months time you will see the first leaves. Don’t worry!” “Amma, tell me your friends names; what’s your group name; is Divya aunty in your new team?” Harshu’s usual questions and I smiled in return. My son was passing his milestones one by one and he was so happy finding his own anchor and standing on his feet.

A month passed by and still a lot of questions within me. “Hi Subha” multiple windows pop up a day – Mummu, Siva, Satheesh, Jagan, Christoph, Naresh, Sumathi, Umesh and many more. “BU results, test results TVC, releases..” – read the email subjects as I am still in loop. My past projects, happy days, trips together, escalations and not so good times flashed my memories now and then. I smiled with tears flowing down my cheeks. An internal conflict within me – did I make the right choice? My heart palpitated and I felt breathless at times too. “No meetings nor calls on old topics” seemed unusual. I felt demoted at times. My sleep was disturbed and all buzz words “Project X, Y, Z, timelines, milestones and plans” was all that I saw in my dreams. It was not the usual me. I was reassuring a lot with Abhishek and felt I was annoying him. He was very open, approachable and supported me. However I was definitely not OK. I felt like a fish out of water; I felt like a lonely bird; I missed the confident me!

A gush of hormones flowing within – “stranger anxiety, career conflicts, cultural differences, preferences vs choices, friendship vs team bonding” and what not!

“Ammmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Come soon” Harshu sounded overjoyed. “The first leaves from my chilly plant!” her mouth was wide open. She was clicking pictures happily and fondly spoke about it to her cousin Rithu.

A sudden thought struck me. “Isn’t it the same situation at work? Was it not the hurry and impatience that makes me worried? Changes are meant to take its own pace, isn’t it?”. My baby came to this world without knowing anyone. Isn’t he coping up well with us? Isn’t he developing a stronger bond day by day? Isn’t he capable to achieve what he wants and happy being himself? Isn’t he overjoyed seeing us when we are back home? What appeared to be new to him in the past has become his home now.

The chilli seedlings looked weak and anchored themselves to the mud. Didn’t they create a special bond with the mud and root themselves? After a couple of rains and wind, they still wait for their time. Zooie – her first visit to our home – she hid herself under the cot and resisted to come out. She did not take the biscuit I offered. She doubted me probably. Her anxiousness for the first day. It’s been almost ten years and she’s my darling now. Cherry – unlike Zooie was cheerful and merrier from day 1. She jumped and played around and found her place in our hearts.

Even the servers and storage we see undergo changes. Priority 1 defects happen after a change too. “Compatibility issues, upgrade error, functions not as expected and much more” – they are not dismantled but brought up again.

Everything we see around undergoes a change at some point in life. “While we see the motivation within every little thing around us, don’t we need to be ashamed calling ourselves “Creatures with sixth sense” when we get depressed about a change?” it was a slap on my face!

“Sometimes it’s ok not to be ok” my mind continued “but definitely it’s not ok to dwell on it and push yourselves down. Be the force within you to build up positivity around you!”. “Growth and Comfort do not co-exist” I remembered the words of Ginni Rometty that I read often. “I need to come out of my comfort zone, blend with the new environment and challenge myself. The world is huge and wouldn’t I find a place for myself? Time and perseverance is all that is needed. Success or failure can be looked at later”

As I pondered the words deeply, I was no longer turning blue. “Our life is a rainbow of colors and emotions. Blue is just another color” I smiled 🙂