Sunday morning – a foreign country – freezing climate – what else could add to the gloomy you? All blues within me. Not the usual me! My abdomen twisted, turned and screamed for help. I was lying on my bed with different emotions flowing wild. I cried aloud. “Why did I come here?” the first time I questioned myself on a business trip.
Monday morning – the bad day arrived. Although it’s just the law of nature that every woman goes through, I felt too low. Stabbing pain on the lower abdomen and back killed me. I felt beaten to death. I held my pillow tight, crushed it, trashed it, beaten it and what not. The stains on the bed made me feel bad. I hated to see it. I hated to get up from the bed. Finally tired, I slept a long while.
Colleagues had knocked the door, my husband had called me and little did I know what’s happening around but slept deeply. Finally responding to calls and messages one by one made me feel embarrassed. I was guilty and shrunk myself in front of them. We, a team of four was in Germany for a workshop and I was the only woman.
“Is everything fine” my colleague asked. “Some indigestion” I said and looked down. I was embarrassed, depressed, stressed, afraid, teary and unable to express how I felt. Every time I speak something, I felt guilty about it. I started getting defensive and over protective. I was over reacting and over thinking. I felt too low. I missed the ability to think logically or grasp what was going on. Everything appeared foggy around me.
This cycle was unusual; Over bleeding with severe cramps. Unable to move, eat or rest. Finally made it to a doctor at office. “Looks unusual and you may have to be shifted to the hospital. Could this be ectopic pregnancy?” He looked terrified. Quickly transferring to the hospital made me nervous. I could feel the cold gush of hormones within me. The hospital was busy and doctors and nurses asked questions in German. I was panicked. “Should I call my colleagues?” “No, you’re disturbing them! Why do you put them into trouble” my mind killed me. After a couple of tests and getting a negative for ectopic pregnancy, I was bit relaxed. However doctor asked me to check for a pregnancy test again after a day. “In the event of a positive pregnancy test, you need to come running” she said. My heart palpitated.
I called up my doctor cousin in India and reassured. She asked me to check for hormonal pills at the medical store to reduce bleeding. I checked and no store offered it without a prescription. The very fear of going back to the German hospital made me nervous. I needed to manage things somehow. With just a couple of days to go back to India, each second seemed to be monstrous.
Five days of continual bleeding and managing with pain killers was like a lifetime punishment. Cramps were strong and I felt the contraction of my uterus like I felt during my labour. Acidity arose due to pain killers too. My mental stress accompanied my physical stress. I felt like screaming out aloud. My colleagues were extremely kind and helped me to the best possible way. I still mentioned indigestion and hid what I was going through.
Mood swings to the extremes. I saw all colours within myself – red and rage, yellow and warm, blue and agony, green and bright, black and grief, white and lost and many more. After every moment, I felt stupid too. I hated myself. I felt like throwing things around.
I got better at day 6 but travel made me sick again. The first leg was fine but not the second. Abdominal cramping accompanied by severe bleeding tortured me. The air hostess offered some help while I felt giddy. I reached out to my colleagues for a pain killer. But soon after that I just cried and cried and found myself guilty for disturbing them. Landed in Bangalore and rushed to hospital with my husband.
My blood pressure and haemoglobin had dropped and the doctor offered some IV fluids. Some pain killers were administered with hormones to stop my bleeding. A sample of blood was drawn too. A couple of hours under observation and my pain was subsiding. Some follow up tests were written down too. I cried out to the doctor and she mentioned this mood swing was temporary and I’d get well soon. She asked me to meet the chief in OPD after the tests in two days. I was still anxious and depressed.
As I reached home, lying on the bed, some thoughts struck me.
What was that gush of hormones flowing within myself? Why did I unusually feel so down and depressed? What was the killing factor within me? Why did my concentration level go down? Why was I battling within myself? Why was I guilty? Why did I need a lot of reassurance? Why did I feel embarrassed?
Well, isn’t this the law of nature? A man is a man by birth but doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to know what’s happening in a woman? At times when we need help it’s ok to ask for it. Menstruation is neither a crime nor an offence. It’s just human science. It’s a taboo in our society and we feel embarrassed to talk about it for no reason.
PMS and PMDD are caused due to hormonal fluctuations in a woman during her hard days. Isn’t it natural for a woman losing too much blood to get anaemic? While you’re anaemic, isn’t it natural for your brain to receive less oxygen than it needs? While there is a less transport of oxygen to the brain, isn’t it natural to lack concentration, clear thoughts or logical understanding? While you lack this, isn’t it natural to feel light or heavy headed and foggy?
While these are on one side of the game, let’s look at the other side. Serotonin drop during hard times brings in depression, anxiety, fear, irritability, anger, sadness, loneliness and negative emotions. While PMS is common, PMDD is further more disabling. It disrupts regular work, relationship and your inner well being. Aversion to food increases and also effects your mental well being.
While a regular period itself undergoes huge range of changes within yourself, just imagine what would an abnormal heavy period cause? Is this something to be guilty about? No, rather this is something we need to understand. It’s ok to feel depressed and sad. We just need to remind ourselves it’s going to be ok in a few days.
Pain and agony need not be hidden. The world is equipped with better people around and you can seek help if required. This is not something to be embarrassed about. I’d seek medical help to deal with my depression during the hard days.
Our body is a chemical laboratory and these are just experiments it does within itself. Fuel up, fuel down are just different phases. Our body and mind just needs rest. While we cannot avoid the mood swings, we can atleast try to understand ourselves and not feel guilty.
I felt caged within myself with my emotions especially guilt. With thousand thoughts, I finally made a step to move on by writing this openly. I want to get back the happy myself and free myself of the guilt that kills me. I’ll slowly make a move.
Come on ladies! You’re not alone. Let’s dare to speak up what we’re going through! Together, let’s make the change. Menstruation is not a taboo! Depression is not something to be ashamed of!