More than a couple of weeks since stress has taken a personal toll on me. I was stuck with my earlier home – my previous projects, my friends and my new world. My mind was running nonstop and I dreamt nothing than old and new projects.
“Service agreement renewal”, “interviews”, “cross charging”, “vendor contracts” and much more from previous projects. “By June we need to plan the transition” this was the only thing running on my mind. Little did I realise I left the project and working in a new department now.
New colleagues at work warmly included me. New strategies, new topics, new team – I was overwhelmed. “Time to make new friends too” I was excited. With the new beginning, everything was green and I was happily speaking about the new change to my old friends.
Days moved on and I was juggling between the old and new world. Whenever I saw a group of friends here, I got reminded of my old lovely friends. I missed them fondly and got emotional at times too. I found reasons to go to my old project team and helped them when required.
“Hey Subha, can you help writing for a magazine for our Department Heads farewell?” a friendly request from the management of my previous department made me glad. I was very happy that they still remembered me and looked up to me for what I was passionate about. On the other side, my emotional bonding was growing stronger and didn’t let me go.
While new team members fondly helped me as a newbie, slowly the fresh days disappeared. People got busy in their own world and I felt a bit weird. All of a sudden, the excitement was fading away. I felt disappointed and hurt myself by asking a lot of questions. “Did I hurt someone? Was my attitude wrong? Is there a conflict?” inner conflict within myself. I didn’t realise that it’s just my inner conflict and not with someone.
I have been on my extremes at my work environment until now. I have been an introvert at times and extrovert at times. I never felt lonely or upset anytime; rather I used to find solitude as a bliss! However this was the first time I felt very strange. I slowly felt the distance from friendly people. My mind was running wild and trying to find answers. Cold statements and colder expressions made me isolated. My reassuring friend was gone.
I was busy preparing project milestones, documents and so on. Queries from my old teams kept me still busier. Other initiatives on additional topics made me jam packed. As I spoke to my old team mate, he did mention “Subha, you left this project. Now the tasks are with person A. Don’t stress yourself too much”. That’s when I realised that I got over stuck with it. Deep thoughts and some gloominess struck me. Questions, questions and questions in my mind. The tightness on my brain killed me. I could not understand what I was going through.
I hardly spoke to my friends or family. Mom found the unusual me and asked what’s wrong. I hid my emotions and moved on. She told me that beyond work there is some life. I assured her everything is alright. My migraines turned severe. I lacked my concentration too. I broke down completely – physically and mentally.
I calmly lied down on my bed wetting my pillow. The person who appeared to be my best friend left me; the project which seemed to be my heart and soul no longer belonged to me; the people I felt as my family was no longer my people; I have no one to express my heartfelt feelings. I’m just an alien now!
“No man can live as an island; journeying through life alone..” was constantly ringing on my head that made me sick – “I’m an island now“.
Back home, I hugged my husband tightly and cried out loud “I need help. I don’t understand what’s happening. I’m lost. I don’t like this state.” Not understanding what’s happening, my little Cherry jumped on to me and scratched me anxiously to tell me everything is ok.
As I was staring the wall, I saw my little man hooting and cackling. Well, he was standing on his own without any support and proud about it. Three weeks without his mom at his grandparents home where he has never been before. Back home with his parents and babysitter now. Trying and exploring his new world and activities. Sometimes successful and sometimes not – still he tries, tries and tries. He cries at times but then finds out thousand reasons to smile. He’s on his own little world caring less about himself or the outside world. He moves on enthusiastically and crossing each milestone successfully. He cries a lot over his favourite toy but forgets and moves on. He learns to detach himself easily from things or people around him and just lives the moment.
He looked at me and laughed – “Are you a kid?” he seemed to ask. It was a tight slap on my face.
“You need to detach yourself from people” wasn’t this the reason why I changed a big time for almost half a decade now? The unfriendly side of me was because I get too attached when friendly and suffer. However you may call your colleagues your family, it’s just an illusion! “You need to detach yourself from your old environment and move on. It’s ok to break up” wasn’t this what my mentor told me quite some times.
“You are strong minded and we can’t imagine you break down” wasn’t this what my good friend told me? Didn’t I laugh and laugh to death a couple of days back at my beloved friends son’s birthday? Didn’t my husband say “you were on your extreme high state laughing out loud” when I was with them?
Friendship needs to be mutual. True friends never depart nor fail to understand what you’re going through – and this best friend can be no one else than you!
Work is to be seen only as work and move on. Too much attachment may bring in more sincerity and dedication; however if you’re unable to detach yourself from people or topics, it will only make you depressed.
With depression and anxiety comes all neurological and physical disorders. Is our lives worth it?
“No man can live as an island – journeying through life alone” my mind voice has been singing this hymn since a couple of weeks unknowingly for no reason. While this maybe true, we just need to live as an island if we really are. Clinging on to too much emotions and people will just bring us down. “When Jesus met with rejection, Mary stood by the cross” – “When we stand with rejection, it’s our self love and inner strength that stands by us”. I smiled.
“Get back woman!” I told myself.