Learning to walk

Something was bothering me since a week. Questions of career, aspirations, expectations, and reality! My job role took a deviation in a different direction than it was intended to be. I wasn’t happy about it but continued as usual. “Emotions shouldn’t affect work” and I strongly believe this.

I continued my project work and my interests too – tasks that I picked up for myself to reduce my stress at work and keep me motivated.

“Amma, Pranav walked without any support. He said “amma” too! Two milestones at once” hearing my daughters excitement and watching my toddler taking his baby steps over Whatsapp video, my cheeks received the droplets from my eyes! “Pra – na – vvv” my voice box seemed to choke. I turned away from the phone to wipe my tears and got into the train.

I was on a business trip and my kids were at my moms home. “Won’t you miss your kids?”, “How do you stay away from them for weeks?” daily questions from people. I remembered my last interview when I had just returned from maternity and applied for my current job. “How would you manage a transition project with a 5.5 month old baby?” – “No pain, no gain” was my answer. I believed it too!

I sat by the window to see the droplets that hit the glass. The sky looked gloomy and the wind was showing her anger. The curtains flapped quickly to show its resistance, and hit against the windows. I closed the glass and it pleaded not to. Like a kid sitting on the floor, adamantly asking for toys at the mall, the window was resisting my pull. I pulled him with all my force and shut it down. My mind was blank and could see the young moms walking with prams downstairs.

“The queue for moms with infants at the airport, the baby bassinet at the flight, the adamant toddlers in the trains, the pink smile and the blue cries in the streets, moms with prams at the signal, cute little girls holding their moms hands, inquisitive queries” – sight of all these reminded me of my kids. My eyes were following these and my lips reacted with a smile!

“You missed Pranav’s milestones. What are you gaining now? Did you reach your milestone that you set for yourself? You’re just a cruel selfish mom” the monster within me was killing. The flapping curtains slapped me. I looked at my sisters chat – the pictures of my happy kids brought a smile on my lips leaving pain in my heart. “Am I doing a good job as a mom? Is this separation worth?” questions as usual! Well, no one forces me for anything and it’s just me and my adamant nature.

My mind streamed Pranav’s walk over and over again. He tried a step and fell down, got up and retried. He was unstable and still tried to move on. There was a pillow in between and he stopped for a while. He looked around and took the other direction. It was narrow and he fell down without a support. He crawled a little ahead and stood up again. He moved again on his own. He touched the wall and left it again. Probably he wanted to be on his own. He smiled every time he fell down and again stood up. He moved ahead and his slow walk progressed him to where he wanted. He picked up the toy in front of him.

Something tried to speak within me. I tried to pay close attention. It was a feeble voice. “This job role is not that brings in responsibilities. You can still do what is possible.” As I started listening, the voice was becoming stronger. “It might look unstable in the beginning but the challenge is how do you walk the rough path. You can move on and on – all that you have to do is take a stop, crawl, stand up, take a step and move forward.”

“Push yourself and walk ahead. Being unhappy with a job role doesn’t stop you from staying committed. You can do your job with the same pace, commitment and dedication without any emotions. Bring in interesting topics that you’re passionate about, additionally and move on. Taking up side topics that you like at work balances the stress too! A toddler is learning to walk his path on his own and you’re his mom!” the angel within me reminded!

Every separation brings you more responsibilities. This separation was worth it. “Fruitful workshops, outcomes, mentoring sessions, collaborating with old and new colleagues, new connections, new learnings; wasn’t this worth this separation? There wasn’t a minute wasted without a learning. That’s the progress you made for yourself. Comparing yourself with what you were three weeks back – there has been a small progress and that’s a sign you’re learning to walk! Come what may, move ahead with a smile” my moms guilt was flying.

I looked out of the window and the sun smiled at me. The cloud was gone and the sky appeared blue. I opened the window and the curtains seemed to hug me. The grass looked fresh and it’s just the way to change our outlook. “I’m learning to walk” I smiled!