Three weeks assignment – new department, new environment, new faces, new culture. A gush of hormones within me. Slowly integrating to the new world.
Busy with discussions, workshops and at times evening events too. Week 1 was just creeping while week 2 marched better. March usually marches fast. Week 3 swiftly took over with a lot of challenges too.
Sickness killed me. Dull headed, physical and mental stress brought me further down. My smiles were lost. To add on, my devil mind live streamed my kids videos in my mind.
Every Business trip was unique on its own as it gives me a lot of me me time. Reflections have always kept me moving but this time not. I felt stuck and didn’t move ahead.
Within me, there came my devil mind. She pushed me within myself. The gloomy feeling suppressed me still. Pain and agony – what’s going on? I failed to understand. I found myself guilty, angry, irritated, upset and broke down too.
I was at the high speed train and my mind rewound the memories of the week. I missed some discussions because of my sickness; I didn’t call home just to hide my overflowing emotions; I found myself disturbing my colleagues; I was guilty. Sorry and thank you wasn’t enough for me. I needed a lot of reassurance. PMS was becoming friends with the monster inside me. They played it together really well.
Is this the new environment anxiety? Is it the anxiety of the future? Is this an insecurity to get new friends? Is it about the guilt that peeps in while you need help? Is it the feeling of emptiness? Is it the feeling of getting lost in a crowd? I failed to understand.
“Move ahead. Bring the smile back” my friend Arun mentioned multiple times. I was thankful spontaneously but then was back to the gloomy state. “Hi dear” message from my bestie Divya strengthened me. She always reads my mind when I need her the most. Mutual feelings over a long call and virtual hugs too!
I wasn’t even sure what was silently hurting me. The more and more I thought about it, I was only hurting myself unnecessarily and paving the way for the monster – the negative mind inside of me to dance. Little did I realise this. I was only holding the monsters hand. Slowly he led me to the evening shades of blue, grey and black. Did I notice I was getting closer to the monster? Did I notice from holding hands, I was actually hugging him? Not really.
I came out of the hotel, and watched the unusual sight of the sky. She seemed to have the worry lines spreading across. There were spikes all across. Did she overthink too? Was it she who worried about her kids? Was it she who worried if she was left alone? Was it she who worried if she is in a safe place? Was it she who spent sleepless nights? However she was transforming herself bright and was recolouring herself. Her friend the glowing sun seemed to brighten her by reassuring her.
Way back to the airport, I was overwhelmed. After all formalities, sitting at the gate, I saw a little toddler in front of me. He did tricks in circles and circles and then shook his head. He then went to his mom and hugged her. He came back and circled himself many times and touched his head. While he did this every time, he went back to his mom and hugged her. Is he trying to experiment with the giddy feeling? I was first puzzled. “Well, he’s learning about life. Life is not as always smooth and safe as in the arms of your mom. It brings within itself a roller coaster that seem funny and exciting but also a state of uncomfortableness!” – the little man was only taking it and reassuring himself in his mother’s arms.
I looked back at the three weeks – fruitful discussions, good decisions, lovely times with dear colleagues, getting to know new people, new places, calm and serene traffic free workplace – aren’t these qualifying for a simple smile? While all these were floral gardens, I must accept there were weeds around too. Well, when life is a roller coaster, there ought to be a little giddiness within – which the monster made use of.
“Hey Subha, you’re a happy person always. You’re blessed” – how many times have I heard this? While it’s just one side, the monster keeps peeping his head and pushing me at times too. Challenge is to see the lovely things around and take the giddiness with a pinch of salt.
For if we leave it unnoticed, the little monster would get his Herculean power and become a giant while we would just close our eyes in the dark and hold his feet falling a prey for him. Moving forward by just insulting the little monster in our heads will take us to the fairy path to see lovely colours around. There is always a constant battle between the monster and the little angel within ourselves – we just need to help ourselves. It’s ok to be down at times, feel guilty, and upset but the beauty lies in not dwelling on it but pushing ourselves upwards to reach the arms of our moms – the positive mind!
As I land, I take a deep breath to smell the freshness and beauty around! I let the monster go! Yet another learning and happy I made it in this flight!