Reflections

An usual Saturday evening – we were driving across the streets of Bangalore. Brightly decorated streets, illuminated churches, youngsters zooming their bikes, women busy shopping, loud music across pubs, over crowded MG road, Brigade road, and Commercial street – party mania across Bangalore. As I was watching all this, “Ting” my phone sang. Within the next few minutes, my phone started Tinging 😉 multiple times. I unlocked the phone to see about 60 messages in Whatsapp. Different groups were now renamed to “Happy New Year 2017!”. A lot many private messages from cousins, relatives, friends and colleagues too! As I opened them one by one, my phone screen seemed to catch up with the illuminated streets of Bangalore. Lovely gif messages, splashing colors onto my mobile screen. It was a treat to my eyes. As I replied to the senders one by one, my mind wandered deep into thoughts as usual!

December 31, 2015 – I was in Coorg for a Winter vacation when I saw similar illuminated streets in Coorg and colorful messages from friends. December 31, 2014 – No difference in Wayanad. December 31, 2013 – Zooming bikes across the Beach road in Singara Chennai. December 31, 2012 – Where were I? My mind asked. “Oh yes, it was Kodaikanal. We could see the shining stars when Harshu asked “Amma, why don’t we keep these star lights at our home?” The resonance of the New Year music and wishes remain same year by year. What is that which makes people excited about New Year every year? What is that which makes people eagerly wait for this day of the year? What is that which makes people celebrate it to this extent? I asked myself.

My mind rewinds to the days when I was spending sleepless nights thinking about my first day in school. I always saw my siblings going to school and asked my mom “Amma, when am I going to go to school?”. The previous night of my first day at school remains fresh in my mind. I had packed my bag and was excited about every tiny new thing my dad bought for me. But after a week of school, I started crying that “I have a head ache, stomach ache, leg pain etc” and tried avoiding school. Similar was the case when I was going to grade one. I spent the whole of my summer vacation telling everyone whom I met, “Aunty/uncle, I am going to go to “standard class”. I am no longer in KG class”. The same repeated while I was entering grade six. This time I told everyone I met, “Aunty/uncle, hereafter I will not have science and social studies. I will have physics, chemistry, botany, zoology, history and geography” with a broad smile. Needless to mention that after all that excitement, I felt “Oh my God! Why did I come to high school. Primary classes were much fun!”. 

The next bigger stage was college. I was excited for about a week before my first day in college. I was asking my sister over and over about her college experiences. I was feeling proud of being grown up. I was overwhelmed that I had no more uniforms to wear but can dress up in my favorite colors. History of cribbing repeats after few months 😀 At the age of 21, I had two major milestones meeting me together. My wedding and my first job. The first time I was leaving my beloved family. Strangely unlike all girls of my age, I felt proud that I was going to be more responsible. Being the youngest sibling, I was always told by everyone in the family in different times “You are a small child. You may not know this. Listen to us!”. This time I was hyper active that “I am going to be a lady of the house now who is shouldering all responsibilities”. Although this seemed challenging in the beginning, I eventually started loving it. Of course, it was a roller coaster ride before I reached there.

Pregnancy – Yet another milestone while I was 23. I was very casual throughout this phase too. I would be in meetings and feel nauseous when I used to excuse myself and move to the rest room. After a short break, I would continue with my meetings or work. I went to work until the previous day I was due. My company was my second home to me. I enjoyed every moment. I was seen as a smiling girl always. However I had multiple emotions too – I am just a human being. Not many in my team but my cubicle has seen my fear, depression, happiness, tears, excitement, warmth, energy, optimism, pessimism and what not. Three months of post natal depression, and there I was back to work on 91st day of delivery. I was developing my energy back. However depression was replaced by fear of balancing home and work. While I was going through all of this, there were many people criticizing. One said “How cruel of her to leave the little baby and go to work!”. “How could she keep smiling. Is she emotionless?” said another. “Maybe she is money minded” – remarked another. There were fright feelings creeping in but I did not choose the flight mode. Rather my mind told me “Choose the fight mode. Fight against all ill feelings. Rejoice every little thing you do”. Soon years flew away and my little daughter was growing.

Time to change my company – I felt. I got into a good brand with high hopes. My role seemed quite different to what I expected in the beginning. Yes, I was disappointed. While I was checking on my expectations and looking for newer challenges, there were quite many who remarked “Do women seriously look for a career? Is she just trying to fake?”. I was angry, broken hearing this at first. I was agitated to answer to each of these comments. But my mind calmed me down telling “Come what may, I choose my destiny”. I started picking up little things and told myself “This is a newer challenge that this moment is giving me. I do not have to be adamant in doing the same role or working for the same technology as in the past. Had I been in a similar role, I may have had a boring career with no opportunities to untie newer knots.” I felt happier and energetic than usual. I continued doing what I liked or rather started liking what I did. In parallel, I also started becoming active in my blogs. If my job is one reason to be happy about, blogging is yet another reason to be merrier.

Every stage in life is exciting when it starts. Gradually we lose interest and start cribbing over a period of time. We lose interest and worry a lot about the future. We become anxious and start complaining about life. We then start referring to the previous stage in life as a better one than the current one.

New year is nothing different to such situations in life. In the beginning we are excited, overwhelmed, energetic about something we are going to experience. But over a few months, or even within a few weeks, we get bored of the regular activities or routine. We start complaining that “This year is not so good for me”. Some of us even start blaming our stars for that. But in reality, it is how we see it. We may choose to accept every hurdle as a challenge to experience something new. We may choose to face difficulties boldly than ever. As the year grows, so should our positive outlook towards life. Maturity does not only come with age but also with how deeply we could reflect ourselves and our experiences.

Let’s celebrate every moment with the same energy as today. Let’s celebrate every challenge that is going to make us stronger. Let’s celebrate all the failures that teach us what is life. New Year is not about enjoying the kick in a drink for a day but enjoying the kick in our lives day by day throughout the year. May the illumination on the streets not end in a day but light up our minds throughout the year. Happy New Year 🙂