“Waah! Waah!” my little one was shaking her tiny feet and hands and making sounds. I deeply looked into her eyes and she cackled. The dimple on both cheeks mesmerized me. As I was looking into her smiling face, droplets of tears fell on her cheeks – not hers but mine! “Stop crying with the little baby on your lap. She is going to be happy here and you’re not going far away!” soothed my mom. The little Angel wrapped in a lemon yellow frock and the day when I had to take the hard decision of leaving her to my mom and going back to work appears like it happened yesterday. With mixed emotions and kissing her cheek, I bid goodbye and left to Bangalore. I’d look forward to every weekend to meet my little one and each time I felt excited like a teeny looking for her love. Yes, this little bundle of joy – Harshu is my all time love!
“Aren’t you missing your baby?” asked a neighbor. What should I answer? “I do not want to let go of my job?” or “I am trying to be both an employee and a mom?” or “I am happy she is in safe hands?” or “I’m a cruel mom?” With still many more questions in my mind, I decided not to answer this question. I smiled. Every time someone asked me this question, I’d feel stabbed by guilt. A large lump on my throat agitated to answer. I’d swallow the pain.
Every weekend that I visited Harshu, she would have some magic to show me. She gifted me by her rolling, smiling, holding, standing, taking her tiny steps, posing for photographs, first words and a lot more. She would always delight me. The weekend and the lovely time was a boost for me to work for the next one week. My little niece Rithu who was eight months younger to Harshu was also with my parents. There was a power cut and Harshu crawled to the table and brought a book. Curious to know what she’d do, I was watching her. She moved the book over little Rithu like a fan. “OMG! This is too cute. She was imitating what my mom would do to her” She then walked to the table and brought two feeding bottles. She gave one to my mom and said “Paapa paal” meaning give it to the little one. She started drinking another. “What a responsible sister is she” I was proud. She is growing!
After two years, we decided to bring her back to Bangalore. This time my company offered me a “work from home” for a longer time. It was truly a boon. With Harshu at home, I’d work the same way as I did at office. The CEO announced the term “Work life integration” and it was really true! She would fondly come onto me and talk for a while and then get back to her play world. This was coffee time for me. While this continued, little did I know that she was closely watching me a lot of times. I was on a meeting call and my Zooie started barking looking at the door. “Ziya! Shooooooooooo. Amma meetin, amma meetin” Harshu threatened Zooie! “Guys, let’s now discuss the CRMs” as my manager spoke, I was moved by Harshu’s responsibility to give me a perfect work environment. Tears rolled down my cheeks! She is growing!
We had put her to play school for half a day. I would reach office by 8 as soon as she goes to school. “Hey, its 12:30 pm. I need to go home now. Harshu would return” I hastily would bid goodbye to my colleagues and get back home. Some days my scooty wouldn’t start and trouble me when I would have to look for an auto. Sometimes I had to call Guna to pick her from school and bring her to office. Sometimes I had to call the school to let them know that I’d be there in the next five minutes. Sometimes my dear friend Divya would take her bike and come with me to the school to bring Harshu. With different things juggling around, we managed.
Back home and it’s lunch time. “Come on dear. Let’s eat” I’d call Harshu. We would enjoy our food together. I’d get back to work and she’d have her nap time. Once she wakes, she would bring her toys and play next to me. She was keeping a close eye on her toy laptop and thought for a while and then typed. She was repeating this again and again. “Harshu! What are you doing dear?” I asked. “Shhh.. I amma. I Subha. I aabees (office)” said she. (She meant, I am Subha and I am in office). “That was a lovely imitation! My miniature” I kissed her cheeks with tears in my eyes. She is growing!
“Amma, naana naana” (meaning I myself) she would chant for almost everything. “Even if I put her books and box into her bag, she wouldn’t trust me. She would remove everything from her bag and then redo the whole thing. She wants to be on her own. Do you teach her this at home?” her teacher asked. “Did I teach her anytime?” I hardly remembered. It was just her! She is growing!
The little baby was dressed as a maiden and standing on the dais. Her first Bharatnatyam performance at school. She made little steps and expressions. I now understood why my mom always told that it’s emotional to see daughters growing. She is growing!
Harshu was turning four. I was excited than her. We went for shopping. I picked few things and saw a pretty pencil box. I was looking at it when she said “Amma, I have one already. It’s not broken still. Let’s not buy this!” I was amazed. “She is teaching me! She is growing”.
She would have too many questions to me always. “Amma, number 10 is written. Does this mean cheap or expensive?” “Amma, in TV they show that this biscuit is good. But I get stomach pain after I eat this. Why are they lying?” “Amma, after I study, I will go to work like you. But I will be an art teacher” “Amma, I write slowly. Is it ok?” “Amma, I want to tell new stories. I will think and create a story”. Every time it’s me learning from my little one. She is introspective always! She is growing!
I watch her placing a chair and taking her toothbrush from the shelf. I watch her filling her water bottle. I watch her picking food from the table. Every time I asked her “Harshu, why don’t you call amma? I can bring it for you!” she would only smile. Today she answered “Amma, this is a small thing. Why are you getting tensed? I thought I should try this myself first and if I can’t, I am going to ask you. Try try until you succeed! Didn’t you tell me this?” her words brought in million answers to all the questions many had to me about me continuing work. She is growing!
All that I look in her is her logical thinking and reasoning to every situation. I am really not a mother with a stick asking her to sit in front of the books for a long time. I am really not a mother who forces her to think like me. I am really not a mother who wants her to be an Engineer or a Doctor. I want her to be her and she will for sure! She is growing!