“We need to go to your sisters school tomorrow. You are joining LKG this year. We will meet the principal for admission tomorrow” my dad smiled at me. I was overwhelmed. “Finally I can mock my mocking sister that I’m also going to school” I thought to myself and jumped in excitement.
Entering into the school was like entering into a fairyland. White and green paints all over. Waiting outside the principals room, I could feel a gush of cold air hitting my spine. “What will they ask me? Will I get my admission here? What if I don’t get admission? I still want to go to school.” “Subha” called out the assistant. I entered the room. I looked around and gazed at all things. A large picture of Holy mother Mary, globe on the table, glass book shelf with large books, a strong scent of books, a woman in a white gown wearing a silver cross. Gazing at all this, I still don’t remember when and how I answered the basic questions of my name, parents name and which class my sister studied. The principal sister smiled warmly and remarked “good child! Your school starts in June”. We came out and my dad patted me. I was proud to go to school.
“I’m going to Standard class and it’s no longer KG class!” exclaimed little me. However the fear of full day school, newer subjects seemed to be a nightmare. “Will I be able to learn five subjects? I don’t know many spellings. How will I write poems? How can I frame my own sentences?” my little head murmured. Slight cold feeling within me! Few years down the lane – Roman numbers, Fractions, Statements and problems befriended me. Phrases and idioms smiled at me. Capacity didn’t seem to test my capacity like what I thought!
“Oh I’m entering my sixth standard. Science will now be split into four subjects. Additionally computer science and maths paper two!” As days passed by, maths seemed to be my best friend as always. Zoology cuddled me and Botany twined around me. My chemistry didn’t seem to work well with chemistry! Physics was an acquaintance. I tried to get accustomed to my new environment. Sixth standard was like in-laws home for a new bride. In the beginning didn’t know the rules but slowly got used to as years passed by. “Stop playing girls! In no time you will be in tenth standard” teachers remarked. Tenth standard swiftly passed like a rainbow and I was super cool being a topper in my district.
Twelfth standard – sudden changes in my environment. I was falling ill often and hardly attended school. I had to transfer back to Chennai due to my illness and changed my school after half a year. I started asking myself a number of “what if” questions. “What if my sickness results in fatal diseases? Will I die? Will my parents cry for me?” And then goes other set of questions “I’m not attending school regularly. I get blank while I read. I’m unable to concentrate. What if I don’t score good marks?”
I always dreamt of becoming a doctor like my brother. Questions of what if I don’t become a doctor echoed in my mind. I was always tensed. My evil mind kindled my pessimistic side. I was always happy and smiling until my tenth standard. The smiles now vanished and I was always gloomy and blue. There wasn’t a night that I slept but only cried and cried. Depression and anxiety attacked me from all sides. I was not ready to open up to my parents or siblings of how I felt.
“You will not succeed. Your ambitions are written in water. You will fail miserably” Everyday I could hear my devil mind laughing at me. These thoughts still made me sick. Hospitals and hospitals and hospitals – I didn’t realise that it was the power of my negativity that made me fall ill. Mental sickness magnifies physical illness and I knew less about it at that time.
Day of results – I scored 80% exactly which was very far away from getting what I desired. “You lost your life. Your dreams are shattered. You have nothing more to lose! You coward, you are not fit to live. Kill yourself!” voices echoed. I felt to run away or vanish from this world. My head felt too heavy and my eyes drooped. I cried and cried until the last drop in my tear gland evaporated. I felt like a trapped mouse wanting to run away! I hated myself!
Few weeks passed by and I got into a decent college for an engineering degree. Pain in the heart didn’t disappear. I still felt I lost my life. Years passed by and slowly I started realising that I have not lost too much. I learnt to like what I got. I was slowly smiling. I started participating in symposiums actively and explored my strengths of presenting and communicating. I started liking myself for the first time.
I got into a job and got married soon out of college. Whatever seemed to be a threatening monster was just a shadow when I approached – shadow of negativity. Original image wasn’t threatening truly. I started analysing my fears and approached it. I started practising simple ways to handle it. Fear of sleeping alone in the dark – tried it. Fear of traveling alone – tackle it. Fear of talking about my depression – write it. Each step made me feel better. I slowly started realising life is not difficult as we imagine. I understood that worrying about the future did no good at any stage. Compromises and adapting to life as it approaches is not bad!
Fifteen years memories – of my twelfth standard. I still remember the palpitation of my heart on the day of exams and results! I still remember the tears and depression. I still remember my suicidal thoughts. Had I died, I’d not have known the colours of life. I’d have left the deepest agony in my parents life.
Now seems truly ridiculous. I’m not a doctor now but I’m truly happy with what I’m doing. Having been a topper in tenth standard didn’t get me promotion in my job nor scoring less in my twelfth standard brought me a demotion. It was only handling and living the current situation that matters.
It was only after I gained confidence and positivity that I started living. I was choked and breathless while I noticed only the negativity in everything. Being positive, I’m able to breathe the fragrance of life and it’s very refreshing. Stop chasing and start living!